The inner workings of my mind.

Life goes in, Life goes out.

2008-04-25T11:10:00.000-07:00

This is a documentation, of the stupidest thing I've done in years.

I needed to get this all out of my system.
One day, where I eat whatever the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I want.
Its 12:10
Im going to puke.

I've had a large double double, a donut, a bagel with cream cheese, a chocolate brownie iced capp, a peanut butter granola bar...

I think I might die.
This is a reminder of why I hate my old ways.
I forgot why eating this was bad.
It always made me feel sick.
ALWAYS.
I didnt even notice either, I blamed it on everything else.
It was my fucking eating habits.
I feel sick, so fucking sick.
I look drunk, rolling around saying im going to puke and "ILL NEVER EAT THIS WAY AGAIN"
This is a sad state.
A sad state indeed.
Never do I want to watch myself fucking do this again.

Thank god I did this.
I needed too.
A reminder of how tasty the food is, and how its about the same tastiness of the food i eat now, and how it makes me feel like shit and costs money.
Why.
WHY
srsly.
Stupid move Heathrr.
Stupid fucking move.
But good move too.

I think i might puke.
I think I'd be really happy if I did.

What the fuck am I even doing anymore?

2008-03-28T01:19:00.000-07:00

Questioning Levi?
I'm questioning an entire fucking year.
I can't even believe myself... jesus, what the fuck has gotten into me lately.
I dont know who to believe. No one is fucking honest to me anymore.
Music is probably lying to me.
Thats how paranoid I am.
I cant even trust myself.
...I'm so confused as to who i am it hurts.
I havent gone to my own world in FOREVER.
I want to rip out my eyeeessss.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Thought

2008-03-06T10:39:00.000-08:00

Maybe A is right.
Making angry blogs doesnt really always help.
But this isn't what I'm trying to accomplish
This is just my thoughts typed out.
Otherwise, my head is so foggy and clouded that I can't remember what word should come next.
I need to write down my thoughts for them to be clearly stated,
if I dont, I get lost inside my own head, and not the good lost,
Not stuck in some imaginary beach front condo in a bikini... no
I mean trapped, in a time loop of repeating, confusing and pointless thoughts.
It turns my brain to mush.
This is my get away.
This is where I think.

Sometimes my thoughts are angry... and involve swearing.

Contradiction?

2008-03-05T11:33:00.000-08:00

I contradicted myself.

I like being alone in school.

But not at lunch... when everyone notices that I'm the only one sitting in a computer room munching on unfufilling cucumber.

I'm so fucking depressing.
/sigh.

Well thats a low point.

2008-03-05T11:24:00.000-08:00

This is a record, even for me.

Religion 25:
Grade: 1.5%

No... not 15%... 1.5%
I've truthfully only been to that class once.
It's taught by a nun named Sister D.
I hate that woman with a passion.
She's psychotic, I swear.
I mean, she talks to you like youre in a mental institute.
Basically monotone whispering, really slowly.
I always feel like falling asleep in that class.
The worst part, is I know that if I go back, she'll make fun of me to the point of tears, I mean, in front of the whole class.
She's got this thing about public humiliation, she loves, LOVES to do it to her students.
I don't really know what to do, because I know that the longer I avoid her class, the harder it will be to keep up my grades and I know the humiliation will only get worse.
I'd call her a whore, but you know, calling a nun a whore is an oxymoron.
Seriously people, meanest nun EVER.

Dude wtf, Ashley never called me back.
/calls

I feel I shouldn't be proud of this but for some-- she didnt pick up, that bitch.-- reason I feel the need to tell the internet. The people of the internet. Who do not read my blog.
For I, and sometimes Jack, are the only people who read my blog.
I hate that I eat lunch alone.
I hate how unfufilling lunch is lately.
...God I'm hungry.
I gained 1.4 pounds since monday... fuck... I'm supposed to go down, not up.
I'm boycotting coffee for the week.
And saying hello to my arch nemesis, H20.
Seriously, I hated water before, but now that I'm in Science 10, H20 can suck my non-existant penis.

This is an angry post.
This is what school does to me, it makes me swear and call people mean things.

Peace fuckers.

We're all scared of the future.

2008-03-05T08:34:00.001-08:00

You know what I like?
Solitude.
When I need it, alone time is the best time.
But not just alone time.

I like being alone in a school for 1600 people.

When no one else matters but the music in your headphones and you.

Everyone is staring at me right now, because outside of these headphones, my stomach has been constantly growling for about 20 minutes.
But what the fuck am I supposed to do.
My mother somehow believes that if you eat food you arent allowed in the morning its okay, just not at night.
That logic, sucks.
Because shes been feeding me grapefruit every morning for the past 3 days.
You can't have fruit when you arent tracing ketones.
I havent been tracing for 5 days.
I really wish she would stop, because when she sends me to school with a bag of oranges, and my stomach sounds like this,
I feel the need to save the tempers of the children around me and eat the god damned oranges.
Even if I'm not allowed.

In retrospeck, I'm a loser.
I'm sitting in my school library writing in a blog.
No one around here knows though, people are too afraid of sitting beside me that they all stay their distance away from my computer.
I dont see what about me is threatening other than the fact I'm always alone.
I like being alone.
I don't depend on the drama of my little highschool buddies to get me by.
I watch.
I get my entertainment from watching your drama but not actually being involved.

Oh fuck.
Two girls chose to sit beside me.
My cover is blown, I best be leaving now.

Stay beautiful.

Running to stand still.

2008-03-05T06:22:00.000-08:00

I have a cheating problem.
Not on my boyfriend, but rather my diet.
I mean, I don't really cheat, with like burgers and milkshakes.
I have too much caffeine and sometimes too much bread.
I don't know why I do it, because I know the consequences and I know how pissed I get when I dont lose weight.
Yet I still do it.
I suppose I'm one of those people that likes to push the limit to see how far I can push it.
Like my boyfriends brother.
Who KNOWS he will get caught having a party. And he KNOWS he will get kicked out. And he KNOWS he can't get his own place. Yet he still plans one every time his parents and grandparents go away.
He just... has to I guess.
He will live in the streets if it means for one night he can do drugs with his friends at his house.
I really need to get a hold of myself... or this will never work out.
My willpower is slipping again.

In the morning and amazing.

2008-03-03T07:01:00.001-08:00

I stayed awake until 3.
My mind confuses me.
I'm not fit to drive, but I shall anyways.
Its an excuse to wear my new mittens.

Odd.

2008-03-03T00:35:00.000-08:00

I changed my template.
OoOoOoOoOh.
I'm so risque.

It started with a chair.

2008-03-03T00:06:00.000-08:00

I'm predictable. I once again chose this template.
Attempt numero 4 at a blog and once again, I choose the plain black template.
Ironic, considering anything plain and mundane is out of character for me.
It's 1:08 AM like it often is when I write these... late nights where I have nothing better to do than talk to myself.
I feel like less of a loser if the rest of the world can read it as well.
I once again feel like a loser when I realize the rest of the the world won't read it.
It's 1:10 now. How did it take me so long to type those last lines?
I'm a record fast typer.
Time confuses me... but what doesn't really?
Nothing confuses me more than myself.
Existence and me.
Yep, that about covers it.
I often find myself searching for myself.
Which makes sense really, how can you find yourself if you aren't searching?
Well, I suppose I appear sometimes when I glance at a mirror.
It frightens me though, I never look how I think I should.
I'd like it if I could jump through my timelines.
I'd love to meet 32 year old Heather.
Seriously, what the fuck is that chick up to, what has all of my prime suffering years lead her to.
Hopefully something good, I wouldn't want to waste all this suffering on nothing.
I don't really have a personality of my own. I pick up my style from others, and my taste in music as well.
I organize how my friends do and I slack as my friends do.
I pick my friends like my friends do.
..I lied, I'm lacking in the friends department.
Well, I'm not really.
I have people named friends... but in the real world that means fuck all.
I'm not loyal to them, so why should they be loyal to me right?
They shouldn't. Which is why I found the select few that don't give a damn what I do as long as I admit I'll be okay in the end.
We all will.
When death hits, we can all find a memory to rest in comfort with.
Or so I hope.
I wish I had my own personality. Or my own anything really.
Everyone I know is so unique.
But I'm a mixture of all of them, and suddenly, I'm very plain.
In my head, in the inner workings of my mind, I am a god. A writer for the best award winning movie ever.
I narrate everything, I have friendly banter with myself, I question things and speak with wit.
But what comes out of my mouth, is not really connected with whats going on up here (I pointed at my head, if you didn't catch that)
I sometimes wish it was. I would have a little more definition to my name.
But for now, I'm just the mixture of my surroundings, nothing less and nothing more.

Damn I'm bland.